Merry Christmas! (21 Christmas Quotes For Everyone)

21 Christmas quotes for everyone, from the funny to the more sentimental.

  1. “In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukka’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukka!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!'”  -Dave Barry
  2. “Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered. What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”  -Phyllis Diller
  3. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”   -Joan Rivers
  4. “Christmas is a race to see which gives out first – your money or your feet.”
  5. “Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.”   -W.C. Fields
  6. “Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.”    -Johnny Carson
  7. “I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.”   -Bernard Manning
  8. “The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.”   -Jay Leno
  9. “Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?”   -Tom Armstrong
  10. “Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer… Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?”  -Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes
  11. “There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections, traditions.” -Bill McKibben
  12. “Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful.”   -Norman Vincent Peale
  13. “There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries.” -W.J. Cameron.
  14. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.”   -Victor Borge
  15. “Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.”  -Larry Wilde
  16. “Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.”   -Hamilton Wright Mabi
  17. “Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years… Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart.”    -George Matthew Adams
  18. “I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.”   -Harlan Miller
  19. “If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away.”
  20. “The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.”
  21. “Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day.”    -Helen Steiner Rice



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About Jimmy Kinmartin - Business Insurance & Risk Management

Jimmy is a California licensed Property & Casualty AND Accident & Health insurance agent working at the Olson Duncan Insurance brokerage based in Torrance and Irvine, CA. He grew up in Fullerton, CA and graduated from Servite High School in Anaheim and Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles and currently lives in Tustin, CA. Have questions? Just ask! Or, follow Jim on Twitter at @JimKinmartin

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